her daily rantings

her next move

2009-12-29T00:56:00.000-08:00

i have moved to :

http://thygossipcolumnist.blogspot.com/

cu there.

xoxo

2009-08-23T18:28:00.001-07:00

Last night as I was randomly browsing through some friends' profiles on fb, one particular post caught my eye. A friend, is now lying unconscious in the hospital due to a hit and run accident. Two sides of his skull are fractured and he is in unstable condition. Although we are not as close as we used to be, he is still a friend. And for this misfortune to happen on the very first day of the fasting month, my heart really goes out to his family. I will pray for your speedy recovery, friend. Hopefully prayers made during this blessed month will be answered.

As today marks the third day of Ramadhan, I look forward to a month of abstinence, patience and solace. Insya Allah. Hopefully it will help me be that better person that I n.e.e.d to be. Not only for these 30 days but ongoing, or so I pray.

Here's wishing all Muslims a blessed Ramadhan. Amin.

Over.Due

2009-08-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

Its been a long while since I updated any pictures here. Pictures are just random. Taken everywhere. There are just too many so here are some of my favourite picks. Here goes...........

*disclaimer : pictures here might not depict current facts as these are wayyyyyy overdue....*

2 months

2009-08-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

So much have happened over the span of 2 months, so much so that I do not know where to begin. I have not had much time to update. With two colleagues leaving, I am undertaking the job functions of 3 persons, my own included. By the time I get home, I am literally yearning for my bed.

From where I left off,nothing much have changed. I am still feeling a tad down most of the time, regardless of the cheery outlook that I portray to others. What gets me down most of the time is that an issue always seem to surface after one has just been resolved. Never ending, I dare say. Its tiring, or should I say exhausting. Is this my 'retribution' for all my evil deeds in the past? If so, then I am really being tested here.

Of late, I have been thinking of my dearly departed grandfather. It has been 17 months since he left and I really am missing him. He was the only grandfather that I have fond memories of. He was the grandfather who would sit me at the back of his bicycle and he would cycle to the parks and hang his pet birds on the tall poles so that they could chirp beautifully. He was the grandfather who would not reprimand us for our mistakes but advise in a gentle manner. I miss him. I think we all do. But his departure has brought severe changes to my grandmother. She is not as jovial and illness seems to keep bestowing upon her. First, it was the mild dementia. She would ask us repeated questions for countless of times. We found it amusing in the beginning. But afterwards, we began to worry. What would happen if she goes out of her house and could not remember her way back? Now, she has an appointment with a dialysis coordinator. Pls, pls do not let her have any problems with her kidney/s. I just could not bear the thought of her undergoing dialysis. She has suffered enough. Ya Allah, I know I have not been the best of persons, but pls protect her. I love my nyai and I really could not bear to see her this way.

I might not seem as a person who showcase my emotions or the way I feel to others. More often than not, people always seem to have the impression that I am such an ice queen. Egoist and without tact or care for others. But that is not what I really am, or how I might truly feel. I am just guarded.

Tried.and.Tired

2009-06-08T03:07:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought things have taken for the better, there you go again. I just do not understand why it is my fault when certain mails do not reach you. I also do not understand why it is my fault when things do not go your way. Am i am outlet for you to vent your frustrations? If I am then let me know cause when I signed on the dotted lines to undertake this role, I do not see this as part of my scope.

I am imperfect, yes. I make mistakes. I, too have my moments of displeasure. But I do not blame you for each and every single thing that happens to me.

I am sick.and.tired of all this ludicrousness. I really am.

Do not try me.

Frustrate. Me

2009-06-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

As hard as I try to regain my composure, I just cant do it. Things are all heading in the wrong direction. Tsk. I really loathe that unsettling feeling when everything that I have planned for suddenly becomes uncertain.

One of my best TSEs tendered his resignation today. All because of a project that has proven its ability in bringing my staff down. Demoralised and pushed to rock bottom, one has decided to surrender. A few others have consulted me and made aware of their intentions to leave for a rival company if the performance of the project does not improve. I do not blame them. They are here to support their livelihood, and if this project is not bringing in results, its ultimately affecting their incentives. As much as it breaks my heart to see them go cos mind you, they are a bunch of fine TSEs with little or no attitude/performance issues, I have to release them so that they will be able to seek greener pastures and attain better things in life.

The other department is also not helping. Not only is the quality of the project questionable, you are also asking me to rush out a report that is taking me weeks to update. Yes, I do understand your frustration as you need my report to analyse the consumer behaviour. But at the same time, who is empathising with me? I have to manually update 33k worth of data on excel and its taking me forever. And please, I too have other projects and job functions. I am holding onto other roles as well. Sigh. This is really getting to me.

Ugh. I cant wait for Friday to be over.

Quoted from one of the managers in another dept : Nothing done does not mean we are not working.

Strange-r

2009-06-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are. -- Malcolm Forbes

Last year, in a company contest, I won a tiny book filled with notes that will open up one's heart and mind. 'Lift Me Up' by Ron Kaufman. I have never gotten myself to flip the pages as I was filled with disinterest and thought that it was merely pages of quotes which I could just gather from the web.

What got me to pick up this book thats been lying on my work-desk for the past year was a comment made by a guest on my blog tagboard. She was an anonymous wife/mother who said that I should not be feeling down and out as I have described. With a wholesome family and an adorable son with me, she felt that I should be consoled and contented. She, a stranger was trying me feel better. And at that moment, I tried looking at things in prospective.

My life might not be filled with riches. I do have moments where I felt that more is always better. And how i yearn to get a new Coach, etc - not that there's anything wrong with the existing one though. Khalil and I do have our differences. His ideals and mine cause us to bicker at times but at the end of the day, we are working towards the same goal - all for the good of Haziq.

So, thank you, Ms Guest. =) Whoever you are, you have opened up my initially half-shut eyes and now I believe, my glass is finally half full.

Shorter. Still

2009-05-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

In my last entry, I said that I will be cutting the hair even shorter right? Well crazy me, i did it! Then almost immediately when the bits of hair were strewn all over Jean Yip's floor, i regretted my actions. How long will it take my hair to grow back? Sigh.

I just realised that my face looks super fat with my super short hair. Heh.

Have a great weekend, everybody. <3

Chop Chop Chop

2009-05-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

Although I have finally chopped most of the hair off, I somewhat feel that its still not short enough. Lets do it even shorter!!

Hair.Raising Issues

2009-05-26T21:13:00.001-07:00

After much procrastination, I have finally decided to live without my long hair. *sigh* I am going to chop chop chop it all off. Well, not all. But a huge chunk of it. Now for the most important question, which hairstyle should I go for? I have shortlisted some of my favourites (as below) and now I am having a difficult time deciding.

I hate making life changing decisions. :p

Sick

2009-05-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

I am going through a bout of constant vomitting. My throat's all scratchy and each time I even try to sit up or get up, my head literally spins. And Haziq's craving for attention is not helping. He happens to be enjoying the fact that he's not in school and I, too am at home. Disregarding his super sick mummy, he will climb onto me and says, 'Mummy, horse. Mummy,horse'. Aaaahhh. The joys of having a 2 year old.

Hoping that I will get better soon. Loads of work awaits.

Personal Ailment

2009-05-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

My nose is as runny as a broken tap, the back is feeling a tad sore. And the massive headache is not helping either. Probably its time to wind down a wee bit and rest. I have been so tied up with work that I have not been having much rest. So i guess the body is creating a riot right now.

Saturday was spent tidying up a report which by hook or by crook needs to be out on Monday. I dread doing this report as it is done on excel format. Imagine trying to match figures and update 33k worth of data on excel. Ugh. The thought itself is enough to give me a week's worth of migraine. But thats work for me. This project is uber important as it will definitely boost up the chances of getting transferred out a different department, when the opportunity arise of course.

The department that I am part of right now is not that bad. I have a really nice supervisor whom has been pretty understanding with everything that I have been through. Environment is not as bad as Citi however, I do not foresee myself as being in this position forever. I would like to be in a position where I actually applied whatever that I have studied. I mean, what has mass comm got to do with what I am doing now? This is just a stepping stone for me to move forward to other departments, say marketing? I have to admit that I am a little tired of being in a financial/banking industry. Being in an industry which I have zero interest in for the past 5 years is more than what one could actually take. However, to move on to a different industry would mean that I would have to start right from the bottom, which at my age, I do not perceive it as a viable move. So what do I do? Stay and just keep up with this mundane routine or move on and seek greener pastures?

Sigh. I am clearly disoriented right now.

Naufal Haziq Turned 2

2009-05-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

He turned 2 on Friday, 15th May. Brought him to ToysRus to choose his own prezzie. Initial plan was to bring him to a disney themed restaurant at Anchorpoint after shopping, however upon reaching, we realised that the restaurant has ceased operations. So we had to settle for Secret Recipe.

Saturday, 16th May, we went to Sentosa Underwaterworld and Dolphin Lagoon since lill Haziq loves fishies.

Last bit of his birthday celebrations was a birthday lunch on Sunday, 17th May at Kintamani Indonesian Restaurant - Furama Riverfront Hotel. Attended by close family members.

Hope you had a blast on your 2nd birthday, baby. More to come, Insya Allah. I love you. <3

Of April Antics And May Madness

2009-05-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

I have not been updating this blog for a super long time. Almost 2 months? So much has happened and its just a tad too lengthy to go into details right now. Everything has just been crazy. And frankly, i am drained. Emotionally, mentally and physically.

I shall not elaborate on what took place to make me feel the way I have been feeling. Its just friggin pointless to remind myself of all the despondence. Lets just focus on the highlights of my life right now.

I thank God for work has kept me insanely occupied. Pretty caught up in a project which I felt was the opportunity for me to step up to the plate and showcase my abilities. Imagine coming back to the office on days when you are on mc/scheduled leave, working from home despite being super sick at one point. After 11 weeks of slogging, the pain paid off. We exceeded expectations and I finally felt that it was all worth my while when the other department (the one which literally squeezed every bit of my brain juice - or whatever thats left of it) sang my praises to the GM. Now I have been entrusted with the same project - Octo 2 which is expected to surpass results from Octo 1. Hopefully I will be able pull it off a 2nd time. If I do, then I could be convinced of a fantastic appraisal next year. Insya Allah.

May 15th saw Naufal Haziq turning 2. I am beginning to believe that the Terrible Twos syndrome is not just hearsay. Haziq has grown to be quite a handful. He has learnt how to point to the door to ask me to get out of the vicinity whenever I scold him. He has learnt that if he does not want to walk, he should just squat down wherever and wait for me to cave and carry him. He has learnt that by wailing at the top of his lungs, he will get what he wants. And most importantly, he has learnt that if I do not give in to his demands, he should just go to Bibik or Abah and they will be most obliging. Despite it all, he is still the one that matters most to me. He is the first one I look forward to seeing at the beginning of every new day and the last person I want to hold before I close my eyes at night.

A break is much needed right now. Am sooooo looking forward to June 19th. Sunway, with sis and my loved ones. More so, I am wishing that I can just skip to October so that we will be able to focus on our 10day long vacation.

p/s: Was fb hopping and I am just so envious of a particular someone who just has it all. *sigh*

If insatiable desire is a sin, then forgive me for I am so a sinner....

Mon.Day

2009-03-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

Its Monday morning and I am seating at my workspace feeling uber sleepy from the lack of sleep. Blame it on fb. I switched my lappie on at about 2pm to do up a report thats due before lunch today and yet I ended up fb-ing till evening. Then I went to meet Siti at her workplace and when i got home later that night, instead of completing that report, i ended up chatting on fb. This fb. Its evil. Ugh.

On a random note, my body is super exhausted and its screaming for mercy. Its been super looong since I had a nice massage. Its at the top of my 'needs' list. I am not asking for much though. Just a 60min one will do. :)

Just pray that I can get through today because the mind is on the 'i-cant-function' mode. Its only Monday and I really cant wait for Friday. Will be on leave then. Yay-ness.

Till then, have a great week ahead everyone. :)

Shiks

2009-03-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

I first saw her when I was 13. She had that stuck up aura surrounding her. We didnt speak to each other much then. She had her own friends, I had mine.

When I was 14, we were in the same class. We grew closer and I was glad she was my friend.

15 was my age of rebellion. We were partners in crime. We stuck together quite a bit but an incident also tore us apart.

I regarded her as my best girl friend when I was 16 and I prayed that it will remain that way. But sadly, it didnt.

After secondary school, we went our separate ways. She was the smart one who got into mass communications, and I was the dumb a*s who flunked maths at O levels. Although I made new friends, I was secretly jealous. I missed her and I envied those bunch of people who got to spend more time with her.

When we entered adulthood and started our own career paths, our schedules kept us even further apart and to a point we lost touch altogether. It was just tough to meet and catch up. We were both busy. We made appointments but more often than not, either of us bailed as there were more immediate issues which required our immediate attention.

But time apart does not make us strangers. We met up a couple of times before my wedding, when I was preggers and our last meet up was last Sunday when she dropped by my mum's cos she was in the vicinity.

Thanks Shik. For those wonderful years of friendship. Despite the misunderstandings that we might have when we were a tad younger (ehem, not that we that old now), you will always be that special girlfriend to me.

Cant wait for the 4th. *hugs*

Missing

2009-03-23T02:11:00.000-07:00

These, I miss....

Feel.Felt. Feeling

2009-03-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

I dont usually use the word hate. Thats is such a strong word to use and it sounds so wrong. So mean and crude.

But how do you describe your feelings towards someone who frustrates you so much and that the sight of the person loathes you sometime and that the words that the person types in his/her emails or come out of his/her mouth justs drip with sarcasm or on a i'm-pretending-to-care-but-whatever kind of tone? Just how do you describe that?

I dislike feeling this way and I just wished that I could simply shut this feeling out. But its impossible.

*Sucks*

I really really really need a break to get away from all these and the only upcoming one is in October. Sheesh. Like thats gonna come tomorrow...

Loathe

2009-03-17T03:07:00.001-07:00

i SO freaking hate you right now!

End

2009-03-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

Is it coming to an end or is it already over?

Wheeze

2009-03-15T22:49:00.001-07:00

My wheezing did not go away despite it being the weekend and all. In fact, it got much much worse. I had difficulty breathing that Friday night and in the wee hours of Saturday morning, it got terrible. I knew that my body is telling me I needed that much rest. Haziq was at my inlaws, leaving me at home to sleep. Saturday had me sleeping like a log. Didnt even eat anything except for that occasional sip of milk so that I dont die of hunger - yeah right.

I thought i was feeling a tad better the next day and followed mother to Giant to grab some groceries. I thought i was feeling better. Well, i thought wrong. I was exhausted by the time I got home and my wheezing acted up again. I could not even lift Haziq up. Took 2 puffs of inhaler and immediately went to sleep. I didnt get to sleep in peace though as I was coughing till my chest hurts.

How I wish that I could stay home today. But a few colleagues are on scheduled leave and there are a couple of reports thats waiting to be churned. Ugh. I really really need to feel better today. Cos I am so done feeling like an invalid.

Sucks.

2009-03-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been through those times whereby things only went wrong? Despite whatever you do or say, nothing changes and seems to be only heading south? I think 2009 has so far been such a year for me.

I do acknowledge the fact that there are worst scenarios in comparison to mine (part of the world is living in poverty, dying of hunger, breadwinners losing their jobs, etc,etc) but I am not a Ms Congeniality by nature so right now I am feeling that my trivial issues have caused me to feel that i have had it up to my neck. I am just waiting for June 2009 where I will be officially debt - free. Good riddance.

Yesterday, things werent all merry either. I fell of my chair, dropped a bluberry doughnut on my gold top - leaving a purple mark,and the list just continues.

Today I started the day wheezing and feeling uber chesty. Must be all that iced tea and coke light. I find it a tad hard to breathe and guess what, I do not have my inhaler with me. Just my preventer. So, 4 puffs of the preventer it is. No nescafe for me this morning. Only hot tea. Hopefully I will feel better later on in the day.

I just wish that things will get a little bit better. Just a tinnie winnie bit will do. I'll be most appreciative if that happens.

Till then, I'm off to yet another gloomy Friday.

Have a good weekend,you!

Dearly Departed

2009-03-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

The move is completed. As of Saturday, 07.03.2009, I am back at my mum's.

I am not rejoicing at the fact that I no longer have to wake up at 5.30am to cook the day's meal. Nor am I exhilarated that office is just 2 bus - stops away. In reality, I am feeling very much dispirited. May 2008, it was just a bare unit called a house. Which we painstakingly decorated and colour co-ordinated and quarelled over petty decisions. I had to ensure that my cutleries matched my interiors and that the 3 main colours were down to black, white and beige. I had to insist that the wardrobes in the bedrooms were also of those colours - no others accepted. After all that meticulous planning, that house was finally called a home of my own. But in less than 6months, we had to leave the keys in the hands of a complete stranger with that glimmer of hope that he will take care of the house as though it was his own.

My fault to begin with, no one else to blame.

Till we meet again, 6 months from now.

Current Read

2009-03-04T01:10:00.000-08:00

Can a stranger heal your heart?

After Kendra Tamale returns to England from Australia, she rents a room from Kyle, a single father of two, and looks forward to an uncomplicated life. Kyle's young twins, Summer and Jaxon, have other ideas and quickly adopt Kendra as their new mother - mainly because she lets them eat marshmallows for breakfast. Even though Kendra is hiding a painful secret that makes her keep everyone - particularly children - at arm's length, life improves for her as she becomes a part of their family. Then Kendra bumps into the man who shares her awful secret and everything falls apart - especially when the kids are taken away by their mother. The only way to fix things is to confess all about her past, but that's something she swore never to do...

Marshmallows For Breakfast is a tale of hope, redemption and finding love in unexpected places.

kosher

2009-03-03T03:46:00.000-08:00

I am not a fan of malay music but I just love this song at the moment.

Ku cuba redakan relung hati,

Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi,

Terlukis di dalam kenangan,

Bebas bermain di hatiku….

Cerita tentang masa lalu,

Cerita tentang kau dan aku,

Kini tinggal hanya kenangan,

Kau abadi di dalam hatiku….

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan kau pergi,

Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati,

Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir,

Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku....

scram

2009-03-02T21:05:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder, am I really that unreasonably petty? I have been told that sometimes the effort that someone puts into doing something for me is always unsatisfactory. That the actions taken never equates to my contentment. There always seem to be shortcomings in other people but not myself.

Thats where people are unaware that I do come down hard on myself. I know that I am adamant in certain aspects. Obstinate, definitely. And this face of mine. Glacial. Yes, all this I am aware. But life has led me to find out that being chummy with people might not be a good thing afterall.

Why do people gossip or deduce certain factors about a person? I do not deny the fact that a person might have sinned in the recent past but to sentence a person indefinitely is just disturbing. Everyone has had their fair share of mistakes and wrongdoings. Some more severe than others but one should only be answerable to HIM not the entire community. And that person who has deemed another as the sinful one and b!tches about the person, what makes him/her then? A righteous being?

I am not perfect. In fact, very far from it. However, one thing that I do not appreciate is your condemnation.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have far more important things to do than to fret about what you think of me. Fyi, your thoughts dont matter.

Despondent

2009-03-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

Of late I have been feeling a tad depressed. Dont ask me why for I dont even have the reasons myself. Probably its all those little little things that just adds up.

Haziq has been pretty sickly. Bad cough and it didnt help that he probably has a gallon of phlegm in him. Yucks. Saw the gp once then the paedietrician. Nebulized. And now on constant monitoring in case his wheezing acts up. It could be another case of broncholitis which I am praying is not the case. The whole episode of hospital stay, splintered wrists, oxygen tank, nebulizer..Ugh. I rather him not go through that again.

Work has been crazy eversince I started this new project. Its one report after another, coaching, briefing, call evaluations. All on top of my regular jobscope. Taxed.

I just wished a had more than 24hours in a day, i need just a little bit more time to breathe, need some time to chill with the girls and need even more time to watch Haziq grow.

These I really need...please?

*sulk*

Au Courant

2009-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

New month, new blog.

I felt that it was high time I returned to blogspot. Multiply has been fun but it was unaccessible for friends who are without a multiply account. Or more importantly, I am unable to access my blog from my workstation. (Multiply is banned.)

New beginning. Or should I say back to the 'old'.

This March 7th, I will be moving back to my mum's place for a good 6months at least. Will be renting out my 5 month old house to a caucasian expat with his thai wife. Hopefully this move will help to ease our finances. Our savings are now close to zero after dumping the bulk of it into the costs of renovation and furnishings. Its time we start to save up. From scratch.

Speaking of the old, i came across some pretty old pictures of myself. A leaner me. I have grown a lill corpulent over this short span of 2 years. I guess these pictures shall serve as a motivational factor for me to shed some pounds.

I need to get back to work now. So..I shall leave you with my pictures from the past. I want to be thin again can?!