Zaila
Sunday, August 16, 2009
2 months
So much have happened over the span of 2 months, so much so that I do not know where to begin. I have not had much time to update. With two colleagues leaving, I am undertaking the job functions of 3 persons, my own included. By the time I get home, I am literally yearning for my bed.
From where I left off,nothing much have changed. I am still feeling a tad down most of the time, regardless of the cheery outlook that I portray to others. What gets me down most of the time is that an issue always seem to surface after one has just been resolved. Never ending, I dare say. Its tiring, or should I say exhausting. Is this my 'retribution' for all my evil deeds in the past? If so, then I am really being tested here.
Of late, I have been thinking of my dearly departed grandfather. It has been 17 months since he left and I really am missing him. He was the only grandfather that I have fond memories of. He was the grandfather who would sit me at the back of his bicycle and he would cycle to the parks and hang his pet birds on the tall poles so that they could chirp beautifully. He was the grandfather who would not reprimand us for our mistakes but advise in a gentle manner. I miss him. I think we all do. But his departure has brought severe changes to my grandmother. She is not as jovial and illness seems to keep bestowing upon her. First, it was the mild dementia. She would ask us repeated questions for countless of times. We found it amusing in the beginning. But afterwards, we began to worry. What would happen if she goes out of her house and could not remember her way back? Now, she has an appointment with a dialysis coordinator. Pls, pls do not let her have any problems with her kidney/s. I just could not bear the thought of her undergoing dialysis. She has suffered enough. Ya Allah, I know I have not been the best of persons, but pls protect her. I love my nyai and I really could not bear to see her this way.
I might not seem as a person who showcase my emotions or the way I feel to others. More often than not, people always seem to have the impression that I am such an ice queen. Egoist and without tact or care for others. But that is not what I really am, or how I might truly feel. I am just guarded.
From where I left off,nothing much have changed. I am still feeling a tad down most of the time, regardless of the cheery outlook that I portray to others. What gets me down most of the time is that an issue always seem to surface after one has just been resolved. Never ending, I dare say. Its tiring, or should I say exhausting. Is this my 'retribution' for all my evil deeds in the past? If so, then I am really being tested here.
Of late, I have been thinking of my dearly departed grandfather. It has been 17 months since he left and I really am missing him. He was the only grandfather that I have fond memories of. He was the grandfather who would sit me at the back of his bicycle and he would cycle to the parks and hang his pet birds on the tall poles so that they could chirp beautifully. He was the grandfather who would not reprimand us for our mistakes but advise in a gentle manner. I miss him. I think we all do. But his departure has brought severe changes to my grandmother. She is not as jovial and illness seems to keep bestowing upon her. First, it was the mild dementia. She would ask us repeated questions for countless of times. We found it amusing in the beginning. But afterwards, we began to worry. What would happen if she goes out of her house and could not remember her way back? Now, she has an appointment with a dialysis coordinator. Pls, pls do not let her have any problems with her kidney/s. I just could not bear the thought of her undergoing dialysis. She has suffered enough. Ya Allah, I know I have not been the best of persons, but pls protect her. I love my nyai and I really could not bear to see her this way.
I might not seem as a person who showcase my emotions or the way I feel to others. More often than not, people always seem to have the impression that I am such an ice queen. Egoist and without tact or care for others. But that is not what I really am, or how I might truly feel. I am just guarded.